Evidence for God

I am God. I alone have written these words on this five mile diameter adamantium sphere and suspended it 100 yards above the equator for all time so that you may know that I exist without question.

You will notice that the sphere will not weather, scratch, dent, fold, spindle or mutilate - it will remain perfect so that my words are preserved for all eternity. The sphere is perfect in diameter as well - you will never develop technology that can measure any surface flaw or irregularity in its shape - despite its prodigious mass and size. Oh, and did I mention that it is suspended above the equator for all time?

Here are my words - learn them, live them, love them.

First - Stop being dicks. I can squish you into a gelatinous smear any time I want - so get along with each other.

Second - Help each other out. Life's a bitch, and then you die. Take care of yourself first so that you are able to take care of your family. Then, take care of your neighbors. When the neighborhood is taken care of, reach out to other neighborhoods. Keep reaching out until everyone in the world is taken care of. When that's done, everyone gets a free pony!

Third - Figure it out. The answers that you seek are within you and without you. Find them out. Learn. Investigate. Teach. Help others learn and investigate and teach. I hate dumbasses.

Fourth - Stop and smell the roses. Ferris Bueller was right.

Fifth - Don't be afraid. I've left life uncertain. I got tired of turning the knobs and flipping the switches every time some crybaby whined about hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes and those pesky dinosaur-killing asteroid strikes. The universe is in motion, the laws of probability are in force, and if the shit hammer comes down on you, well, if you weren't following my first four pearls of wisdom, you blew the only chance you get.

Sixth - no religions. I hate butt kissers.

Finally - some of you will ask "who made God", a.k.a. yours truly. Hell, I don't know, but I'm smart enough and secure enough not to make up incredible stories about it. If somebody made me, I'll bet she's a sarcastic bitch.